From the View of the Pincushion

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, although I have to honestly say that I don't remember all of it. A huge thank you to my dad for becoming the blogger of the family during the time that I could not. Your updates on my health helped give some peace of mind to family and friends around the world (and also showed how much of a better writer you are than I am!! Second job option for you I think...). I thought maybe, with the free time I have now to recover, that I could give my side of the story. I don't want really want to relive what happened, but it will help me to write this out so I can look back and see how far I've come.

Starting on Wednesday, May 20th I began getting chills and a fever after work. Thank goodness we had the Thursday and Friday off for a holiday! That night I took the train to Bruce's, feeling a bit better, mainly due to having some medicine in me. Thursday I spent the entire day curled on the couch with fever, chills, body aches, and overall just feeling lousy. Friday, I felt a bit better, while not fully recovered I could function at a basic level as a human being (i.e. showering, making something to eat, etc.). It was that day that I felt some pain around my ribs on the left side when I inhaled. I've had this kind of pain before, kind of like a cramp when you go jogging, and it usually subsides on its own. I figured I tweaked something and didn't think anything of it. That night the pain continued and kept me awake because any position laying down was painful. I took to coming out and trying to get some sleep on the couch, usually in a seated position.

After the whole day or worse pain on Saturday and another sleepless night that night, Bruce and I decided to go to the ER at the Westpfalz Clinic downtown around 6:30 in the morning on Sunday. At this point, walking and breathing were incredibly painful. I must have looked like I was 100 years old walking hunched over holding my side, bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. We waited in the ER for about 30 minutes before the doctor was there to see us. They took an EKG, which showed that my heartbeat was short and fast, mainly due to me not being able to take full deep breaths without painful stabs in my side. Next, we walked up (slowly) to the radiology unit where they took an X-ray of my lungs to see if there was anything unusual. Coming back down to the doctor, he said my lungs were clear and he thought it had something to do with the intercostal muscles, the ones between the ribs. It was this time that I decided to add some excitement to the morning and fainted in the chair in front of the doctor's desk. I woke up with them carrying me to the bed in the room and getting my first of many IVs to come to get some fluids in me.  We left the doctor with the advice to go to an Orthopedist thinking that maybe my pain was due to some issue with my spine. Monday, I hobbled into the doctors office where they took an X-ray. [I called them today to ask if there was anything in the results of the X-ray that would have made the doctor send me to the ER this day instead, but unfortunately the doctor was unavailable to talk. I have to make an appointment with him to see the results]. After the X-ray, the doctor decided to do some spine adjustment aka a form of medieval torture where I was pushed, pulled, and twisted until I couldn't hold back yelps of pain. Walking out of that office feeling worse than I did when I walked in, I wasn't sure I could handle the pain much longer.

With another sleepless night, I called mum the next day (Tuesday) and she advised me to get an ambulance to the ER. Usually, I'm not one to make a big fuss out of pain, but this time I followed her advice and struggled with the bumpy ambulance ride. It was there that I was taken in to a different area of the ER (apparently the one we went to before wasn't really a part of the same hospital? No idea..). The doctor took an ultrasound, they tried taking blood (always a bit of an issue for me and my doctor-phobic veins), and they took another X-ray. This was when my visit began to get a bit blurry. I got some antibiotics (actually some that I had a minor allergic reaction to as a kid, but turns out I've grown out of thank goodness) and was put into a ward until it was time for surgery. I can honestly tell you that I don't remember the trip to the surgical room or getting anesthesia. The brain is an incredible thing, blocking out certain memories or painful experiences. Typing this up actually, it is hard to remember the pain I felt at the beginning of all this (probably for the best).

This is where I might lose some of you. If you want to skip this paragraph I understand why, it's not the nicest subject matter. I know anesthesia can do strange things, but I believe there was a point where I was semi-conscious in the ICU during this time. My memory has a 'Saw Movie' feel to it where everything was dark and red and I just remember feeling terrified and in pain. I only remember flashes of it now. At one point I felt that my fingers were being cut off (looking back this could be the nerve damage pain after surgery) but I remember trying to count them or even just feel them to see if they were there. Then I felt like they were tearing out my hair in handfuls (talking to mum, she thinks this was when my body shut down and they pulled back my head to open my airways and get the ventilator tube down my throat). With the tube in, talking was obviously impossible, however I tried to communicate with the nurse Hannah, who I remember vividly in this strange dream/anesthesia reality. I tried to tell her that I wanted to call my parents to tell them to come help me. She tried to comfort me and say it would be ok, but I shouldn't talk (at that time I thought this was all some horrible joke and that my parents weren't coming, no one knew where I was, and that I would be there like this forever). I then tried to explain that I could write to them, but again, she told me to relax and it would all be ok. I remember my hands being tied down so I tried to get out using my legs, not sure what it looked like to those around me, or if my legs were actually doing anything but I was desperate to get out and be free from whatever nightmare I was stuck in. I can almost feel the tube in my throat and trying to talk. The next flash of memory was seeing my dad walk in, with a medical cap, mask, and gown. Seeing him was one of the most relieving feelings I will ever have in my life. It was at that moment that I knew it wasn't a terrible dream, and that I wasn't alone. I think I must have drifted off as soon as I saw him, my body and brain finally able to relax. Some of this might seem dramatic, but it's what I remember for better or for worse.

The next few days all blend together, remembering flashes of family, Alex wearing my cat t-shirt, mum reading Harry Potter, and seeing cards and flowers from friends, family, and coworkers (which I had to reread later, because I couldn't remember them completely). As I started to wake up more and more I noticed just how weak I was. My breathing was shallow and I needed help moving in any way in the bed. Nurses came in to wash me daily, and I lost all sense of embarrassment or shame, as I let doctors and nurses prod, push, and check various tubes and sutures that covered my body. As soon as I was able to move with a bit of help, the PT began. It started with just sitting up in bed, doing breathing exercises (Which left me exhausted and light headed) as well as using a pedal bike to get my legs moving (awkwardly and very ungracefully at first). Even speaking left me breathless. I can't thank my family and Bruce enough for being there to support me during these first few days. Offering to stay at night to help with anything I might need. Alex had the worst of it I think as the first night-watcher. My legs were restless (due to the medicines and lack of movement), I was coughing relentlessly, but she was my super woman, not having any fear of going out and grabbing the nurses to come help me no matter what time of night. The biggest issue we had as I started recovering was my lack of appetite. The idea of food turned my stomach, so there were moments where I would have two bites of yogurt or soup and turn green. The ICU wouldn't let me leave until I was more mobile and eating more, but I couldn't force myself to.

The first day the PT doctors had me standing and attempting to walk, my feet felt like giant water balloons with pins-and-needles. It was uncomfortable and difficult. Trying to keep my head up and breathing deeply we walked about 6 paces to the other side of the bed when I told them I felt dizzy. They immediately sat me down in the chair and the next thing I remember is about 12 doctors and nurses all leaning over me like a football huddle with my legs up in the air. It was a bit scary not knowing anyone around me and forgetting where I was. Beth, my angel there at the time saw my confusion and came to make sure I knew it was all ok. Carried back to my bed, they decided that was enough walking for the day and hooked me back up to all my tubes and wires surrounding my bed.

Overall, the time in the ICU once I was able to be a bit more mobile (difficult with all the tubes and wires connected to me, all blended together. Napping, blood pressure checks, blood testing, new medicines, shots, family time, trying to eat, PT exercises, and doctor visits repeated themselves throughout the days. The nurses were beyond incredible. I think they were just glad to have a patient who wasn't elderly, and/or grumpy, and who wanted to work hard to get better for some independence. They kept me company and helped me with anything. One, Nadine, came in during her free time and washed my hair (after more than a week it was looking rough). We talked as she washed, brushed, and braided it. It's amazing how that makes you feel so much more human. One of my last ICU nights, a nurse came in to the before-bed procedure of taking blood when fireworks started from a festival downtown. She turned off the lights and we sat watching them for a while, which she didn't have to do, but she chose to. I can't thank the nurses and doctors there enough for their kindness and patience with me. Saving my life is something I cannot ever repay them for.

Grandma flying in from England was a special treat as well, she kept me company a few evenings while the family went off to parties with their hosts and other new friends. The family (Tina, Rainer and Max) that my...family...stayed with are friends of Uta, who we spent some time with on mum, dad and Edward's visit earlier this year. They live down the street from Bruce which was incredibly convenient and they were so welcoming and helpful to my parents as we worked through all of this. Even as my family has left, they continue to offer help, company, and friendship for which I will be forever grateful.

During my last few days, after being moved 3 times around to different rooms/wards, I was mentally ready to be released, even if I wasn't physically ready. I had been put through neurological testing to see the extent of the damage to my axillary nerve in my left arm (painful experience first thing in the morning, or any time of day for that matter), my first CT scan, which just felt super strange, and endless (mainly fruitless) attempts at getting an IV into my arm or blood taken. My veins had either stopped giving blood or they were too small so they burst. I would watch my roommates giving blood with no problem, but the nurses and doctors who were lucky enough to get me as a patient took up sometimes up to 45 minutes trying to find something. Now I have nice little dots lining the crooks of my elbows, my wrists (top and bottom) and the tops of my hands. Even one on my foot. These join some great battle wounds on my neck, chest, and legs from tubes and incisions.

For now, I have a lot of free time on my hands. Rainer found my a GP doctor around the corner who I've seen a few times for check ups and blood tests. I've started physical therapy where the trainer there is focusing on my lung strength and getting mobility back in my left arm, trying to heal the nerve. Bruce has been incredible taking me to doctors appointments, PT, and just taking care of me during this time. I couldn't ask for more. If I wasn't here with him when I got sick, who knows what could have happened. There are so many "what if" situations, with timing (this infection can attack and get worse within hours), machines (the hospital had only two ECMO machines, which saved my life, if there hadn't been one available then...), and my body's ability to fight (who knows where that power came from). I try not to think about how close it came, of course I was asleep for the time when it was the scariest for those around me. It makes me appreciate everything much more though. Once I get stronger, I will look back and think about how difficult it was to walk, go up a few stairs, or even lift my arms to put my hair up. Of course this time has also shown me how many people I have behind me to help, send love and positive vibes, and support me. I was overwhelmed when my family showed me the blog views and comments, and of course as soon as I was able to access Facebook, Beth helped me look through the incredible amount of love from you all around the world. I don't know how to thank you enough besides working hard to get better and stronger!

The more medical information and processes, as well as what happened when I was "asleep" can be found in the Caring Bridge blog from my dad. I just wanted to give another perspective from the one in the bed, as opposed to those around it. I will keep everyone as updated as I can over the next few weeks!

Until next time

German phrase of the post:

"Die Heilkraft des Harry Potter ist nicht zu leugnen"

"The healing power of Harry Potter is undeniable"

xoxo- this post dedicated to my amazing family <3

Parisian Dust Storms

Because when you live in Europe, taking a day trip to Paris is actually quite achievable and does not require endless planning, packing, or travel hassles. The only thing that suffers is the hours of sleep acquired for a few days. Waking up at 2:00am on Saturday morning, Bruce and I drove to the nearby base to hop on an already stuffed bus, squeezing in next to other sleepy travelers for a 6 hour trip into the city of love...and snails...

Overall, the drive there wasn't too horrible. One case of motion sickness early on causing some ruckus and a small child with a piercing voice struggling with sleepiness but not sure what to do besides cry kept me from sleep for the majority of the trip. The price you have to pay!

Arriving in the center of Place de la Concorde at about 9:30 we sprinted off the bus thankful to be away from the lackluster parenting showcased on the drive down. We grabbed the metro into Sentier, where Bruce had found a nice brunch place to get a good meal before traversing the city by foot. The small restaurant called "Lockwood" is located on a small side street near the 3rd arrondissement. 
The waiter there, from London, served us and a few other tables, all of whom spoke English, which I found interesting. Seems like a hidden gem of foreigners. The small menu made our choices easier for the morning. I ordered an avocado toast, which turned out fabulously and it's super simple! Bruce got the honey, nut, and berry pancakes, which was, and I quote, "some of the best pancakes [he's] had in recent memory". Sounds like a great rating to me! From there we wandered through through the streets taking in the cafes, fromage shops (we could smell these before actually seeing them), fresh food stores and little boutiques as we walked towards the river.

 

Traveling with Bruce is great because he and I are both very relaxed tourists. We don't feel the need to wait in huge lines to get into the big touristy areas, but actually prefer to find the small, hidden gems of the city. By walking around and pulling each other into places or streets that look intriguing as opposed to having a set itinerary to the minute, I feel that we not only get more out of the trip, but its also just much more relaxing. We walked through a park and along the water to the Notre-Dame, stopping outside the gigantic cathedral taking in the minute details of each sculpture and gargoyle.

Again, not ones to wait in line for these kinds of things, we continued walking along the river. Crossing the river we found the one place that was absolutely on my not-so-extensive-itinerary for this trip. The Shakespeare and Co. Bookstore located opposite the river from the Notre-Dame opened in 1951, after the original version shut down in 1940. The entire bookstore is full ceiling to floor, wall to wall with books. The building has several small rooms dedicated to certain genres or authors. Upstairs there are some rooms with small cots, which were used for travelers who needed a free bed to sleep in exchange for some help around the shop.

I could have easily stayed there all day browsing and enjoying being completely surrounded by pages and pages of books. If I lived in Paris, you'd know where to find me on a daily basis. With just our  day trip, however, I forced myself to pull away from the bookshop (with a canvas bag gift for me). From the bookshop we walked through the town to the Pantheon, a giant Grecian-style building with tall columns, where we stopped in a British pub (random) to get a pint and Bruce tried some Scotch eggs (interesting).

 

We continued walking past the Pantheon towards Luxembourg park where we strolled through the massive gardens. The weather was sunny, so there were tons of people out running, playing other sports, walking, and overall enjoying the outdoors. Paris, we noticed, definitely worked hard to have lots of green spaces implanted into the city. Every few blocks there was a small (or not-so-small) park! A great jogging city as we've seen as well. Although the dust/sand there might make that difficult on especially windy days. The tornadoes of dust would sweep across the sidewalk and park walk-ways as we toured the city. My strategy was either turning around completely or hiding my face into whoever was nearest to me. Usually it was Bruce.

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By this point we had walked nearly 5 miles, about half of the distance for the whole day (although felt a lot longer than that!). Instead of walking the rest of the way to the Eiffel Tower, we grabbed the metro for a few stops. The trains in Paris tend to stop randomly on the tracks with no explanation. We were thinking that Parisians must have a pretty relaxed attitude about timeliness? I would put an hour into my schedule just for train-lateness-possibility so I could be my usual, 10minute early self (Kaitie can attest to that...). Anyway, we made it out to the street and walked up a block before turning a corner and seeing the gigantic iron structure towering above the gardens and geometrically-cut treeline. I've been to the Eiffel Tower before when I was younger, however it is never as big as you think it is until you're right there staring up at it. Looking around I saw people from all over the world traveling to get a view of this incredible landmark. Again, we didn't wait in line to go up, feeling like seeing it from below was just as fabulous and much less time-consuming. After getting numerous photos, and of course taking photos of other travelers (one had us take a snapchat of her and her boyfriend...definitely a first...) we began the walk to the Arc de Triomphe. On the way we saw a series of tents set up and decided to check it out. Turned out to be a little market with some food stands, clothes, jewelry and other knick-knacks. A nice little detour on our route. Once we reached the Arc, I was again blown away by the size of the structure. Pictures just can't to justice to how immeasurably ginormous the arc is.

The Arc stretches over the famous shopping street, The Avenue des Champs-Élysées. This is where you'll find high-end shopping names and the fancy people who buy things from those places strutting along the street (in fur coats might I add...). We didn't purchase anything, but enjoyed people watching and talking about how much we wouldn't want to go in any of the shops. Glad we are similar in that way. 

We walked all the way to the end of the street where it meets with the Place de Concorde (our drop off and pick up stop). By this point we were reaching our 9 mile mark and my feet were definitely aware of that fact. With one last monument on our list, we forged ahead through dust storms and armies of men selling small metal Eiffel Tower trinkets towards the massive glass pyramid of The Louvre. If we had a few days in Paris, I would definitely use one to walk around this beautiful museum, however our time-line and bodies couldn't handle it on this trip. We decided to end our day by sitting in a sunny table at a cafe parallel to the parks around the Louvre eating a cheese plate and some snails (delicious!), having a drink and enjoying the last few hours of our day. 

 

From there we walked back to the Place de Concorde, grabbed a few chairs and sat to read until it was time to board the bus once more. I loved having a bit of relaxed time before getting on the bus rather than rushing around and being worried about missing it. The ride home....well...I don't want to end this blog on a bad note...but let's just say the ride home did not involve a lot of sleeping on anyone's part due to a certain small human mentioned in the beginning of the post. 

Overall, an absolutely amazing trip where we saw a lot, walked a lot, ate a lot, and enjoyed the city...a lot.... 

I love being able to do this trips to such iconic places without too much effort! Can't wait for our next adventure. Until next time! xoxo

German of the post:
"Haben Sie keine Angst um Ihre Kinder zu beruhigen werden nicht"
"Don't be afraid to sedate your children"

Not So 'Saad' in Germany

Last week, I was very lucky to have some of the Saad clan here in Germany with me! Arriving in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, they wandered Mannheim searching for my elusive apartment calling my name until finally succumbing to any dreadfully expensive phone charges and ringing me up for help. Running outside I found them cold and tired, but excited to be finally out here to see what I've been doing the past 6 months or so. Instead of whisking them off for some grandiose adventure, we spend the morning resting (read: passing out on my couch) and chatting about our plans for the week.

 After a proper German breakfast, consisting of cold cuts and enough cheese to make a cow blush, we drove down to Heidelberg to move into the home they rented for the week. They couldn't have chosen a better location. Right on the river, across from the castle, they had a perfect walk to the town on both sides of the river, excellent trails for morning runs, and tons of bakeries for Edward to stuff himself full of daily bread. 

 

 

That night, after dinner, Bruce, Dad and I walked down to the River Cafe right down the road for a nightcap drink. Despite drinking a cappuccino, Dad's body was rejecting the caffeine's feeble attempts at energizing him. Nearly drifting off a few times at the table, we suggested we part ways and the rest of us would drop into the Irish pub across the street while Dad headed back to get some rest. Not one to miss out on the party, however, Dad decided to stick his head into the pub and ended up grabbing a few drinks (which it turns out gives him much more energy than coffee surprisingly enough)! These few drinks turned into joining Tom and I onstage for some good-old karaoke. Singing Obladee Oblada with him was one of the top highlights of the trip! 

The next morning we had a delicious brunch with Doro then walked around town a bit, seeing some cathedrals, galleries, and finally making our way up to the castle. This was actually my 3rd time to the castle but the first time walking inside the walls as opposed to simply walking around the perimeter taking in the view of the town and the river. We walked through to see the largest wine barrel in the world, as well as the 'Knight's footprint' on the balcony. Walking back into town we saw the spring parade where people walked the streets singing songs to say goodbye to winter and welcome the warmer weather. The parade definitely worked for the week the family was here! That night we went out for Indian food (trying to hit on all ethnicities during their trip). 

 

Unfortunately, similar to their visit in Korea, I had to work during part of their visit. Lucky for my, Mum, Dad and Edward are very independent and love to do their own thing on trips like this. They used Monday and Tuesday to travel around, do some hiking, and enjoy towns around the area. On Wednesday, while Dad met with a medical supplier friend, Mum and Edward came in to work with me to meet my students and coworkers! It was nice to show them what I've been doing at work, and they could finally put faces to the names I've been mentioning. The day was hectic as usual, so at some point I abandoned mum in the room with 17 kids. Not surprisingly, she was a super hero. The kids loved her and of course all the little girls in my room fell madly in love with Edward. Strangely, all of their favorite sports were miraculously "basketball" once Edward told them all he played it. 

It was a long day, but I'm glad they came in and met everyone! The fact that Edward fell asleep on the train back must show how tough the job of a kindergarten teacher is! That night we met with Isa and her dad. Isa spent 2 years with us a Tatnall, and lives super close to me here, although we've been absolutely dreadful at meeting up! It was so nice to catch up with her more and after a dinner at a great steak restaurant (not that I had the steak, but others seemed happy with it) and some dessert, we made our way back home.

I took off the Thursday and Friday to spend with the family. It was so relaxing just to have them around, and not over a screen! Thursday we took advantage of the great weather and rented some bikes. Riding along the river, we took in the country side and small towns surrounding Heidelberg. For dinner after the long day of riding, walking, and carrying bikes over highway rails (another story), Bruce made his famous mushroom risotto which was incredible as always. 

The next morning we woke early and made our way to Baden Baden for the day where we would meet Dad's coworker Uta. Living on the edge of the town, Uta is just a short walk away from the city center. She walked with us through the town, giving us a brief tour and history of the area. The town is beautiful, and I cant wait to come down again for the many music festivals they have there! From the town we hiked up one mountain to the tram that would bring us to the very top to grab some lunch. Despite the hazy view, it was beautiful up there. Another place I'd like to go back to during the warmer months. From there we hiked back down that mountain and up the neighboring mountain which has the ruins of an old castle sitting at the top. After climbing and endless amount of stairs we reached the highest spire of the castle and had an amazing panoramic view of the city. From there we walked back down to a Greek restaurant back near Uta's home. Enjoying the rest off our feet, we finished dinner and made our way back to the house in Heidelberg for the night. 
 

 

 

Saturday, we were thinking about taking a day trip to Stuttgart for a soccer match, but in the end we opted for another relaxing day at home. Resting out sore limbs after two long active days. We walked around the town a bit, but overall just read and spent time together. I couldn't believe just how fast the week went by with them. I love how natural it is to be with them. Feels as though I never left. Although being away from home hasn't been easy. It is nice to see them every so often and know that nothing has changed (besides Edward's vertical reach and appreciation for good bread).  

 

Miss you and love you all so much! See you again soon <3

German of the post:
"Die Krepp Mann erkennt mich"
"The crepe man recognizes me"